


Mixed Signals

by TinternAbbey



Category: The Office (US)
Genre: F/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-01 07:51:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15769764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinternAbbey/pseuds/TinternAbbey
Summary: Andy wants Kelly to help him win Erin back. It doesn't go as planned.





	Mixed Signals

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written in 2010 and posted on livejournal (and removed since then). I was looking through my old things and decided to post this back up. Set during Season 7. Featuring hipster Ryan, classic Andy, and Gabe before he got super weird.
> 
> (Cross-posted from fanfiction.net.)

"Miss Kapoor, I humbly seek your advice," Andy announces as he strolls up to Kelly's desk.

"Oh my god, I love it when people ask me for advice," says Kelly, looking up from the celebrity gossip plastered all over her computer screen. "I give _awesome_ advice. Like yesterday I told Angela she should wear a padded bra and this morning I told Oscar that boy bands are always a great conversation starter. I keep trying to get Ryan to help me set up my own advice website so I can help all the trillions of people on the internet, but he's too busy working on his stupid social networking site to help me. He is _so_ lame. Can you believe him?"

"Uh, right," says Andy, nodding enthusiastically. " _Totally_ can't believe him. So I've got this problem concerning milady Erin and the wicked Lord Gabe, and I was wondering if the lovely Miss Kapoor would like to help a Nard Dog out. You can be my _wing lady_."

Kelly is a little reluctant about helping Andy, since Andy has the tendency to get all angry and weird, which usually leads to him throwing either his fists or boxes of pizza at the wall. She's always afraid that one of these days he's going to become totally crazy like Mel Gibson or something. "What kind of problem is it? Because I won't help you with anything illegal or violent, unless it involves kidnapping Brad Pitt and keeping him in my closet."

"Nope, nothing illegal." Andy leans in closer to Kelly's desk and lowers his voice, as if they're in elementary school and he's telling her a secret about something he saw Jim and Pam do out on the playground. "Don't want to sound like a big ol' jerk or anything, but Gabe is _kind_ of a douchebag. And he's kind of got the lady of my life in his freakishly tall clutches, so _yeah_. Something's gotta be done, you know?"

"Oh my god, can we talk about how useless Gabe is?" Kelly says. "Because he's _totally_ useless. I tried asking him if this outfit looks better with the sweater or without it, but all he did was twitch at me like a weirdo and told me I'm wasting company time. Yeah right. _He's_ a waste of company time."

"A waste of space," Andy adds gleefully.

"A waste of body mass."

" _Right_ on. Who needs to be that tall, anyway?"

"You are _so_ much cooler than Gabe, Andy," says Kelly. "Sometimes even cooler than Ryan, but don't tell him I said that. What you need to do is get in Gabe's useless face and show him that he is _so_ not awesome enough for Erin. That's what I always do when Ryan tries chatting up other girls. One time I even made this one girl cry and it was amaaazing."

Andy flashes her a hopeful grin. "You think that will work?"

"Yeah, of _course_ it will. Get up in his face and show him, Andy!"

"Right-o, milady. The Nard Dog will get on it A.S.A.P."

Kelly watches him stroll away and decides that Andy really is pretty cool, even if he _does_ play the banjo, which is pretty much the dorkiest instrument in existence. And she isn't a big fan of the way Andy dresses, but she supposes it's kind of cute in a weird, Lady Gaga-like way.

Besides, Kelly likes the idea of being the Beyonce to Andy's Lady Gaga.

* * *

Andy is _so_ glad he decided to wear his Cornell sweatshirt under his work clothes, along with his lucky Cornell boxers that he wore on the day Here Comes Treble ( _the_ most awesome a capella group on the face of the earth) placed #1 in a singing competition. So yeah, Andy is feeling _pretty_ confidant as he approaches Gabe's desk after his little chat with Kelly. There's a small photo of Erin situated near the computer monitor and Andy tries not to stare at it as he walks up to Gabe, back straight and head held high like a proper man of Cornell.

"So… Big Fruit Cup," says Andy.

Gabe stares at him awkwardly. "What was that?"

"You're eating a fruit cup on your break right now," says Andy, gesturing towards the plastic cup in Gabe's hand. "Hence the name Big Fruit Cup. Which is what you _are_ , ironically."

"Are you here to actually discuss something with me, or are you just here to procrastinate?"

"I am indeed here to discuss something, my good sir. I am here to discuss your face, because I am all up in it." Andy leans in close to Gabe, which causes Gabe to automatically recoil away from him. "Ha. I see you're intimidated." He learned that trick from Dwight, who always insists that intimidation is a key method of gaining control, especially when faced with a bear in the wild. Gabe is like a particularly tall, skinny bear who wears really boring suits, and Andy is going to intimidate his _ass_ off.

"Andy, I don't see how this is relevant," says Gabe, who has now scooted his chair a safe distance away from Andy. "If you would like to have an actual conversation with me, then—"

"Ever heard of Cornell?" Andy cuts in.

"The university?"

"Uh, _yeah_. I totally _went_ there."

Gabe sits there and blinks at Andy. "Okay. Good for you, then."

Andy can see the photo of Erin out of the corner of his eye and for a moment he feels just a _little_ emotional because seriously, Erin is pretty much the most awesome girl he's ever known and it's just wrong for somebody like Gabe to have a picture of her. "Yeah," Andy says, nodding at Gabe. "Yeah, it _is_ good for me. Yep."

"So can I continue my break in peace?" Gabe asks.

"You bet. You enjoy that break, Big Fruit Cup."

The weird thing about Gabe is that he doesn't react like most people do. He doesn't crack jokes like Michael does or give witty responses like Jim the Tuna does, and he doesn't even get _angry_ like normal people in the office do. Gabe is a strange breed of office creature whose primary mode of survival is neutrality, and Andy hasn't yet figured out how to deal with such a rival. Gabe is so abnormal he's like, practically a species of his own. Species _Homo gabe-ien_ or something.

"By the way," Andy says as he takes his leave of Gabe. "I bet you can't sing _or_ play the banjo. How 'bout that?"

* * *

"Ryan, you can't just back out of things whenever you feel like it. You promised you would have dinner at my place tonight!"

"I have other plans tonight, Kelly."

"Plans to do what?"

"Sometimes I need to escape the chaos of society and evaluate myself, you know what I mean? Sometimes you constrict me."

"What does that even mean? You are such a loser, Ryan."

The two of them are inside the ridiculous little closet that Ryan does his work in, and Kelly hates arguing in here because it makes her feel claustrophobic. The lighting is terrible, the computer hums way too loudly, and there isn't even enough room for Kelly to throw things if she gets really upset. "You always do this," she complains. "And then you give some totally lame excuse that doesn't even make sense. You know what you are, Ryan? You're _pretentious_."

There's no way Ryan can win arguments with her now that she's smart and everything. She knows all kinds of awesome big words and one of these days she's going to become totally successful like Elle Woods from _Legally Blonde_ and that will definitely show him.

"Insults are completely arbitrary, Kelly," Ryan responds casually, and it makes Kelly want to smash the stupid glasses he's wearing. "They're only words."

"You are _so_ weird, seriously."

"There a problem here, milady?" The closet door is open and Andy shows up on the threshold, a fresh cup of coffee in his hand. "How 'bout I take you out for some air? Do a little favor in return for that sweet advice of yours?"

"What is he talking about?" asks Ryan, but Kelly ignores him.

"Yeah, that'd be great! Some of us don't like being shut up in a tiny closet all day." Kelly shoots Ryan a triumphant look and flounces after Andy, glad to finally get some fresh air. "Sometimes he drives me totally crazy, Andy. You wouldn't believe it. Like, he'd rather play with his stupid iPad than spend time with me and he thinks he's _so_ smart, but he's complete retarded and has no idea what he's talking about most of the time. Did you talk to Gabe and show him who's boss?"

Andy pretends to look clueless, but he's clueless in a cute way instead of a jerky way like _some_ people. "Oh, yeah. Was I supposed to do that _today_?"

"Duh, Andy. You showed him, didn't you?"

"Of course! _Yeah_. You bet I did. Gabe totally knows who the cool guy in the office is, and let me tell you, he will _definitely_ think twice about crossing words with the Nard Dog. I am quite the war veteran when it comes to verbal battles, you know."

Kelly laughs, free and easy as they walk to Andy's desk, and she doesn't even mind when Andy offers her some of his coffee. Coffee is totally gross as a general rule and she always ignores Ryan when he complains about the lack of a coffeemaker at her place, but it's kind of nice when Andy hands her his mug and tells her she can take a sip as some sort of weird friendship ritual. The coffee is bitter as it burns down her throat and if Ryan were around she would probably spit it out all over his plaid shirt as payback, but Kelly makes herself swallow it and decides that maybe it isn't so bad after all.

"Ha," says Andy, as if he just won an award. "That right there was an indirect kiss."

Kelly immediately shoves the coffee mug back into his hands. "That is so lame, Andy. It so wasn't."

"Uh, _yeah_ , it kinda was."

"Whatever. All I did was touch the mug."

Andy then breaks out into song, singing "I kissed a mug and I liked it" in an exaggeratedly high voice, and Kelly can't help but burst into laughter all over again. Honestly, Erin must be deaf or something because who would want to listen to Gabe go on about work related stuff when Andy is so much more fun and interesting?

"Fact," says Dwight, popping up out of nowhere like one of those dorky wizards from those geeky books he's always reading. "Singing on the job is neither helpful nor productive in the workplace. Also, Michael needs utmost silence while he naps in his office."

"Gotcha, bro," says Andy. "The boss man needs his rest."

"Idiot," Dwight mutters, but thankfully he walks back to his desk to look at pictures of beets or Darth Vader or whatever it is that he does when he isn't busy being a creep.

"I'd better get back to my desk," Kelly tells Andy. "But I'll totally come by and talk to you again later, because I didn't even get a chance to tell you about this weird e-mail I got from a friend I haven't seen in like, a hundred million years. See you later, Andy!" Kelly waves goodbye and then makes her retreat, because Phyllis is kind of glaring at her and Stanley is rolling his eyes just like her parents used to do when she played her stereo too loud. Some people just don't understand the importance of socializing.

She passes Ryan's closet on the way to her desk and expects Ryan to keep on typing on his stupid computer, since he seems to like machines so much better than her, but instead he comes out and says, "Hey," as if saying hello to her is going to fix the fact that he changed his plans on her _again_.

"I've got work to do, Ryan," Kelly tells him firmly.

"Okay, fine," he says. "I'm sorry about earlier."

Kelly knows she ought to just walk away, because he hardly ever means it when he apologizes like that, but being around Ryan is kind of like being drunk because her judgment pretty much disappears, and soon she's making out with him in the doorway.

Ryan suddenly pulls away. "Why do you taste like coffee?"

Kelly shrugs. "No reason."

* * *

Andy can hear her laughing, exactly the way she always laughed back when they were dating, and he wonders what Gabe could have possibly said to amuse her. Maybe she's laughing at _Gabe_ , because he's so ridiculous with his lame hair and lame attitude and lack of overall coolness. Andy dares a glance towards the reception desk and suddenly wishes he had gone to the bathroom instead (his primary escape method whenever Gabe decides to darken the reception desk with his incredibly boring presence), because Erin Hannon looks perfectly happy without Andrew Bernard and that is _infinitely_ uncool.

Andy starts humming under his breath to block out Erin's laughter and types out an e-mail.

_How's it hanging, Miss Kapoor?_

_What do you say to being my wing lady again? Send some more of that awesome advice flying my way and we'll see what I can do about Mr. Gabe Cockblock Lewis. A man of Cornell does not back down from a challenge._

_I will catch you whenever._

_—Nard Dog_

Andy waits for a response while Gabe _finally_ leaves the reception desk, and Andy wishes he could spray a can of Gabe-Be-Gone around the office so they could all be free from his awkward, useless self. It takes at least fifteen minutes for a reply from Kelly to appear in his inbox, and it takes almost the same amount of time to read her message.

_Oh my god, Andy, you will not believe this. The bathroom totally ran out of soap today! Isn't that like the grossest thing ever? Luckily I had some hand sanitizer in my purse but oh my god seriously, can't the maintenance people or whatever do a better job at making sure we have soap in the bathrooms? What if I didn't have my hand sanitizer? I could totally get sick and die and then my family would have to sue the company. Do you think someone will make a movie about my life if that ever happens? Getting sick and dying from office germs would be kind of awesome if it became a movie, but only if I get played by someone really hot._

_Except I don't really want to get sick and die because then I could never marry Ryan and that would be like the saddest thing ever. :(_

_Oh, and you should totally get Oscar to help you win Erin back. Oscar pretty much fails at being gay but he's really smart, except for that one time when he tried to tell me that_ 10 Things I Hate About You _is actually based on a Shakespeare play. Yeah right. Shakespeare could never imagine someone as hot as Heath Ledger. But Oscar speaks Spanish and he could totally teach it to you and then you can impress Erin! It will be so awesome, Andy! Just don't let Oscar bore you with numbers and whatever because math is really uncool, so make sure he only teaches you how to say awesome things in Spanish, okay?_

_If you see Ryan can you tell him to text me? I've been texting him for like half an hour now and he won't reply. Do you think his phone broke or something? Maybe I can buy him a new one for Christmas. A really cute one, because the phone he has is kind of boring and ugly and it obviously sucks at texting because he never texts me back. How lame is that, Andy?_

_Tell him I have the most awesome Christmas present picked out for him if you see him! :) :)_

_Okay, bye Andy._

_—Kelly_

Andy finds Oscar in the break room, which is kind of weird because Oscar is doing work instead of breaking, but Oscar is basically the coolest accountant Andy has ever met so maybe working on break is kind of cool, actually. "So, Oscar mi amigo," Andy greets him. "I'd like to ask-o you a favor-o. Comprend me?"

Oscar doesn't look up from his papers. "You need to work on your Spanish, Andy."

"Man, you are a- _ma_ -zing. How did you know?"

"Andy, sometimes I wonder if you are actually a strange alien creature masquerading as a human being. It's obvious, isn't it?"

Andy was wrong when he assumed that Oscar is a smart accountant. Oscar is a _genius_ accountant. "Uh, nope. 'Cause I never actually told you that I need to work on my Spanish. You are like, a mind reader."

Oscar sighs, but it's probably because of all that extra hard work he's doing. "Why do you want to learn Spanish? You don't even speak English like a normal person does."

"Bro, you are _hilarious_. Here are the deets. I would like to woo the Lady Hannon and win her lovely hand back from my arch-nemesis Gabe, so I am going to need your exotic assistance. I'm sure you've got some awesome Spanish pick-up lines you use when you're out cruisin' for dudes, right?"

"Actually, no."

"Fine, fine. Go ahead and be modest. But it would be great if you taught me some of those lines. The straight version of course, since I'm not really into scoring dudes and all."

"All right," says Oscar, still bent over his work. "I'll teach you a few phrases if you leave me in peace for the rest of the day."

"You are awesome beyond awesome." Andy shifts closer to Oscar and lowers his voice. "By the way, is it true that Shakespeare wrote _10 Things I Hate About You?_ Man, I love that movie."

Oscar just gapes at him with his mouth slightly open, but Andy supposes it's an exotic Mexican way of saying "You are the coolest friend I could possibly have in this office." Yes, Oscar is pretty much the nicest accountant Andy has ever met.

* * *

Gabe meets Erin in the kitchen and tries to kiss her with more fervor than usual, but he can't escape the fact that he's kissing someone who used to date Andy Bernard. Andy's lips have been on Erin's lips, his hands have run through her brown hair, his eyes have looked at her the way Gabe looks at her.

Discomfort is a feeling that Gabe has grown used to since arriving at Dunder Mifflin, but he suddenly feels more uncomfortable than he normally does.

He ends up catching the side of Erin's mouth instead of her lips, and her eyes brighten with amusement. "Are you going blind, Gabe?" she teases, and Gabe still finds it a little weird that she laughs at nearly _everything_.

"I'm just a little distracted." Embarrassment is another feeling that Gabe is starting to get used to. He kisses Erin again, properly this time, and can't help but wonder what her opinion on banjo playing is. But of course he doesn't ask.

* * *

Andy strides up to the reception desk exuding the type of confidence that only a Cornell graduate can possess, and takes a deep breath. "Erin es muy, muy bonito. No wait, bonita. Muy bonita."

Erin flashes the somewhat puzzled, somewhat dorky smile that Andy has always loved best. "Nice."

"Wait, I've got more. Uh, tu sonrisa es magnifi… magnifica."

Erin is still smiling. She must be _totally_ pleased by all these fantastic compliments.

"And, um… Me gustan tus ojos!" Andy finishes with a triumphant grin.

"That's really great, Andy," Erin says, grinning back at him. "What did you say, by the way? I don't speak Spanish."

Andy's smile begins to fade. "I really have no idea what I just said. I don't speak Spanish either. I was hoping you knew some Spanish so you could, uh, correct my errors, but never mind then. I will catch my fair receptionist later, at a more convenient time in a more convenient language."

He retreats back to his desk, feeling defeated, and reminds himself not to enlist Oscar's help unless he is attempting to make a burrito. He consoles himself by typing "Gabe is a loser" over and over again on a blank Microsoft Word document, then becomes bored with that and checks his e-mail. There's a new message from Kelly bearing the subject line _!Andy! :)_ and Andy automatically clicks it.

_So Ryan finally sent me a text! He said to stop texting him but that doesn't matter because he actually texted me and it was so awesome. Now I don't have to worry about his stupid phone breaking down, but I still want to get him a new one because he needs a cute phone that matches mine, like one that comes in an awesome color like pink or yellow or red or something._

_Andy how come we aren't text buddies? Give me your number! :)_

_By the way, I totally saw you talking to Erin while I came out to make some copies and I am really really sorry that Oscar is lame and didn't coach you properly. Like how can he be gay, seriously? I told him that he should watch the_ Twilight _movies because they're filled with gorgeous guys like RPattz and Taylor Lautner, but he just looked at me all weird like I said something wrong. I don't get it. How can he turn down Taylor Lautner's abs?_

_I have a great idea that will help you get Erin back and I swear it is way more romantic than the last idea. Instead of trying to impress Erin you should totally make her jealous! I do this with Ryan all the time because he is sooo cute when he gets jealous. Of course Ryan is always cute but he's like, ten times cuter when he gets all jealous and everything. I usually end up jumping him._

_So anyway you should meet me when you have time and I can teach you how to make Erin all jealous and adorable and in love with you again. You would not believe how bored I am today, Andy. Toby never wants to talk to me and Ryan hates leaving his stupid closet and nobody else comes back here unless it's Michael wanting to tell me some weird joke that I never get. Why is he so lame?_

_See ya soon, Andy!_

_—Kelly_

* * *

Kelly is about ready to die of boredom, because there aren't any shocking celebrity scandals online or interesting office gossip, and Toby keeps telling her to stop playing with her phone and do her job. Toby is _so_ tragic with his divorce and boring attitude and the fact that Michael hates him, but at least he has a cute daughter to make him feel better about everything. Ryan _still_ doesn't want to get married and have babies, which is totally stupid because Kelly doesn't want to spend the rest of her life dating him on-and-off forever and ever. Plus her parents are kind of disappointed in her, which is pretty uncool even though she's used to it by now.

She's about ready to send Ryan an e-mail (even though he didn't reply to the ones she sent earlier) and tell him that weddings are awesome and they should totally have one, when Andy appears looking hopeful like a dog wanting to be cuddled. It's kind of cute in a weird way, which is enough to make Kelly forgive him for the dorky yellow sweater-vest he's wearing.

"Hey, Andy!" Kelly says brightly. "What's up? I've been wanting to talk to you _forever_ , because Ryan is always busy and it's really lonely back here. Maybe if I lock Ryan out of his closet he'll have to do all of his work back here like he used to and I won't have to be all bored by myself."

"I will see what I can do about that if you can successfully win Erin back for me," says Andy. "I'm totally liking the jealousy plan. Once Erin sees somebody else all up on the Nard Dog, she will realize that throwing me away was basically the worst mistake of her life. And that Gabe is nothing but a boring scarecrow."

"Totally," Kelly agrees. "You should start by telling Erin about all the texts you're getting from random girls. Just make up a bunch of names, like Rihanna and Britney and Kesha, and I swear Erin will be so amazingly jealous."

"Gotcha," says Andy. "Will do, my trusted wing lady."

"Oh, and it would be awesome if you kissed another girl in front of her. It always works for me, though it only works when I kiss other guys because whenever I kiss girls Ryan gets weirdly excited instead of jealous and I don't get why. He is so weird. Maybe we can all go to Poor Richard's tonight and you can find a really awesome girl at the bar." Kelly normally doesn't make spur-of-the-moment plans like this, since she likes to have plenty of time to make sure she looks amazing, but _someone_ decided to back out on her dinner plans for that night, so Kelly can certainly make some last-minute changes of her own.

Besides, Ryan totally hates it when she hangs out with Andy, so it's almost a guarantee that he'll get all adorably jealous and go shopping with her tomorrow.

* * *

Gabe is disconcerted when Erin invites him to Poor Richard's after work, because several people from the office are planning to gather and have some drinks together. Gabe has never "hung out" with anybody from the office, aside from Erin of course, and he still feels like something of a social outcast. Even the numerous parties that Michael insists on having make Gabe uncomfortable and he prefers to stay at his desk while everybody else wastes company time.

Luckily for him, Michael thinks he's "almost as bad as Toby" and doesn't deem it necessary for him to attend any parties.

"Kelly's going to be there," Erin says as she sits perched on top of his desk. "And Meredith and Phyllis and I'm pretty sure Jim and Pam are showing up if they can get a babysitter. You want to come?"

"I don't know," says Gabe. "I'm not exactly the right type of person who's suited to that kind of social gathering."

Erin's face suddenly brightens. "Oh, and Andy's going to be there too. Andy is _so_ much fun."

Gabe's hands automatically clench up but he keeps his face passive. "Actually I think I'll be able to make it. What time do we show up?"

* * *

Kelly normally doesn't care for Poor Richard's, since it's nowhere near as cool as any of the bars and clubs she's seen on reality TV, but she supposes it's good enough for her plans involving Andy. She's been begging Ryan to take her to all the awesome nightclubs he used to visit in New York, but he keeps putting it off and inventing lame excuses like he always does. What's the point of having a boyfriend who lived in New York if he won't take her anywhere?

Naturally she didn't invite Ryan to Poor Richard's, and naturally he ignored all the texts she sent him about what a good time she's having. He's probably playing video games by himself like a loser, wishing he had stuck to their date plans, but Kelly isn't going to back down on this. She read in _Cosmo_ that it's best to have the upper hand when dealing with these things, and _Cosmo_ has never ever lied to her before.

"So… Britney just sent me a text," Andy tells Erin, who's sitting next to useless Gabe. "Man, she is always texting me about stuff all the time. Just all kinds of _stuff_ , you know? The little lady will not leave me alone."

"Oh my god, Andy, that is so awesome," Kelly cuts in, making sure to talk extra loud. "You are totally popular with the girls around here, I swear. How many phone numbers have you gotten in the last several days anyway?"

"Like, a _million_ ," says Andy, laughing. "It was so easy."

Kelly notices that Gabe looks even more awkward than he usually does as he stares into his untouched glass of beer. He scoots a bit closer to Erin, who hasn't touched her drink either as she listens to Andy talk, and once again Kelly wonders how anyone could choose Gabe over Andy. Gabe is just so… _Gabe_ and he's totally poisoning the atmosphere because he's so boring and out of place. Kelly sips her fruity cocktail through her hot pink straw and smiles at Gabe, simply because she knows it will confuse him. He's like an alien from another planet, seriously.

"Oh, looks like Britney is texting me again!" Andy announces, whipping his phone out of his pocket. "Can you guys _believe_ her? Somebody can't get enough of the Nard Dog, that's for sure."

"That's really great, Andy," says Erin, nodding and smiling like it's no big deal. She's pretty much the most awesome girl in the office aside from Kelly, but sometimes she can be really clueless. It would be cute if she wasn't supposed to be raging with jealousy right now.

"Yeah," says Gabe, echoing Erin. "Really great." He's watching Meredith out of the corner of his eye, staring at her in mild horror as she orders her third tequila and unbuttons the top of her blouse in front of the bartender.

"She has about twenty million STDs," Kelly hisses at Gabe. "Seriously, Meredith is _so_ gross. And she's slept with pretty much everyone in Scranton except for Ryan and Jim and possibly Andy, and maybe Dwight because Dwight is a freak."

"What's that about me?" says Andy. "Are you spreading gossip around, Miss Kapoor?"

Kelly likes it when he jokingly calls her "Miss Kapoor." Ryan never calls her anything cute, and sometimes she thinks it's a miracle that he even remembers her name. "I was just telling Gabe about how Meredith has slept with basically every guy in the universe, which is beyond crazy because she's grosser than gross, but I wasn't sure if she got to you or not, Andy."

Erin laughs, and she's finally started on the cute drink with a little umbrella in it that Kelly ordered for her. "Andy wouldn't do that."

"Indeed I would not," says Andy. "I have _taste_ , F.Y.I."

Maybe Kelly has been drinking more than she thought, or maybe she's just impatient because Erin isn't acting as jealously as she ought to. She takes hold of Andy's tie (which happens to be striped pink, her favorite color ever) and gives it a little tug so that he's turned towards her. Then she kisses him, and maybe it's the alcohol and the atmosphere and the need to make Erin _react_ already, or maybe it's the fact that deep down, Kelly has had a thing for Andy Bernard for a while now and didn't want to admit it.

"Nice," says Kevin, who's sitting at a nearby table with a pleased smirk on his face.

Andy tastes like beer and watermelon flavored chapstick, and Kelly can still taste it when she pulls away. "Whoa there, little wing lady," says Andy, looking bewildered. "When I said I have taste, I didn't mean it literally, you know?" He quickly hisses in Kelly's ear, "Was that part of the plan?"

Kelly is aware that Gabe and Erin are both looking at her, and she does her best to play it off. "Andy, you totally need to get different chapstick. Not that there's anything wrong with what you're using, but I can recommend you some that is _so_ much better. I got some for my cousin last Christmas because he's always complaining about his stupid lips being chapped, and I'm sure it will be _amazing_ on you. You'll taste so much better to Britney and all those other girls you're seeing, seriously."

"That sounds _fan_ tastic." Andy laughs as if Kelly just told a hilarious joke, and suddenly Kelly feels like running into the bathroom and staying in there forever. Only forever would have to be ten minutes or less, because public bathrooms are kind of disgusting.

"I just realized I need to use the bathroom for a minute," Kelly says quickly. "Don't let anybody steal my drink, okay?" She takes her purse and heads for the bathroom, glad to get away from Andy, who's still laughing nervously and won't meet her eyes, and Erin, who's biting her bottom lip and won't say a word, and Gabe, who continues to look like an alien who wandered into a human gathering by mistake.

The bathroom is empty when Kelly arrives and she stands in front of the sink for a moment, trying to remember if any of her favorite romantic comedies contain a scene that's similar to her situation. When nothing comes to mind she tries to remember various _Cosmo_ articles she's read, but her mind is a blank and she wishes she could get the taste of beer and watermelon chapstick off of her lips.

"Kelly?"

The door swings open and Erin appears, looking concerned and a little puzzled. Kelly sets her purse on the sink and immediately starts running the water, pretending to wash her hands. "Oh, hey Erin. Tonight's pretty awesome, isn't it?"

"Oh, yeah." Erin's face breaks into a shy grin, but only for a moment, and soon she's looking concerned again. "But are you sure you're okay? You were kind of weird, and… and you kissed Andy."

"Please, don't remind me. I was totally just trying to shock Gabe." Kelly is lucky she's such an amazing actress. "Oh my god, Erin, you should have seen his face. It is _so_ easy to surprise him."

"So you and Andy… You're just friends?"

"Duh, Erin. Of course. I'm with Ryan, remember?"

Erin looks relieved, and Kelly wonders if her jealousy plan worked after all. Her phone suddenly vibrates and she almost has a heart attack because Ryan of all people has just sent her a text message.

_what are u doing?_

It's so simple and to the point, with no cute emoticons or feeling attached, but it's so characteristically _Ryan_ and Kelly pushes away all thoughts of pink striped ties and dorky a capella singing. She immediately texts Ryan back and tells him she's coming over to his place in about ten minutes (whether he wants her to or not), then stuffs her phone back into her purse and looks at Erin.

"You know, Andy's pretty great," she remarks.

"Yeah," Erin admits, grinning shyly again. "I guess he kind of is."

And Kelly supposes this is just like one of those movies where everyone's love lives are all tangled up and everybody's paths end up crossing in one way or another, but then in the end everything works out exactly the way it's supposed to.

Kelly has always wanted her life to be like a movie, after all.


End file.
